To: Loesser, Angela
Angela, while it may appear that the lab monkeys are communicating with each other, I assure you it's quite impossible. You claim that one monkey signed the passcode for a supply closet to another and the latter proceeded to open it. As I'm sure you know, there have literally been tens of thousands of studies of primate intelligence and there is no evidence of behavior even remotely that sophisticated. So either you've single handedly trumped the entire field of animal behaviorists or you're badly in need of a vacation.
re: Patient Watson
Since returning from the Surface of Tau Ceti 5, patient has experienced numerous novel phenomena, evidenced by inflammatory nodular growth and the presence of a large wormlike parasite. This morning, the parasite penetrated the subject's chest... from the inside... and attached one end of itself to the subject's forehead. If I remove it, I could kill the kid. If I leave it... Final Diagnosis: beats the hell out me. I'd love to refer this to Madorsky at CDC, but unfortunately, he's 67 trillion miles away.
re: Patient Watson, pt. 2
Patient Watson died at 0240 of non-specific causes. Despite zero respiratory and brain function, the body is still displaying autonomous motor function, as does the parasite. At 0847, the patient even spoke to one of the nurses. Autopsy is set for 1630 and then we'll see what makes this Lazarus tick...
re: Maintenance conduit
To: Curtiz, Juan
All right, calm down already... the access code to the conduit is 12451. I've got an autopsy at 1630, but let's grab a beer on the Recreation Deck afterwards. Sound good?
re: Watson autopsy
The time is 1630. Autopsy subject: A. Watson. Now we're going to make the first incision in... hold him down nurse! Nurse! Hold him down! Aahhh!!! Hey! AAAHHH!!!